i can't believe i had my finger in that
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Randomize
