the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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