I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Randomize
