Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
