I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
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