Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
