Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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