I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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