im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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