***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
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