My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
