you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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