I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
