i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
even my farts smell like vagina
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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