I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
