Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
