This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
