I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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