I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
