The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
