my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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