??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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