Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Randomize
