You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Randomize
