did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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