when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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