dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
