In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
