1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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