Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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