I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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