apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
