The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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