I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
