how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
