so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Randomize
