Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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