Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
My bed smells like the plague
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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