Three words: puerto rican gang bang
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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