So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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