I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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