You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
