Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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