Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
