Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
