So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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