I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
plz talk dirty to me
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Randomize
