I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
