evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
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