Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
